I Built the Life I Wanted—Why Am I Still Tired?
Back when I was straight and had only lived in Nebraska, I remember often thinking: I do not see my life past forty years old. I just had no idea what it would look like. Except I knew exactly what it would look like: suburbia, wife and mother of 2.5 kids, and a house on a quiet street counting down the days until the next vacation. There is nothing wrong with that life, but I already found it suffocating. I could feel the weight of those days pressing down on me, and my eyes dulled. I was so afraid of that being the rest of my life and how much I knew I would hate it. What else was there to imagine for myself at that point?
Now I am almost thirty, and life looks fuller and more open and liberating than I could have ever imagined. The questions I had in my early twenties have started to find answers. I love where I live. I have a wonderful girlfriend. A job I am almost too passionate about!!! And still, I feel this long, tiresome to-do list constantly in my mind. I have worked hard and built a life that I really want to be a part of, yet the dullness in my eyes and the weight on my shoulders still feels real.
People keep telling me to go back to what excites me, and then even that becomes its own chore. Make sure to find joy today! Didn’t find joy on my walk because of all the construction workers? Well, you better find joy somewhere else! It’s exhausting.
When did all the tips and tricks turn into more things to worry about? I shouldn’t have coffee until two hours after I wake up. Oh, and it’s best to go on at least a ten-minute walk after a full meal. What if what brings me joy is having coffee as soon as possible in the morning and then taking a nice, long rest on my couch after a big meal? What if what brings me joy conflicts with all the never ending “wellness tips" we think about every day?
The worst news is I am not present. The other part is my brain is constantly thinking and worrying and calculating to the point that I get so sick of living inside of it. And finally, all tasks now seem joyless.
I know I’m alone in this. It seems like so many of us are working so hard to build a life that we think will bring us fulfillment, only to find that the act of maintaining it strips away that same fulfillment. We read articles, listen to podcasts, watch TikToks about optimizing joy, but the very act of trying so hard to be happy makes happiness feel like another item on the to-do list.
I used to believe that life would eventually settle into something smooth and whole—that if I worked hard enough, built the right relationships, and found the right city, everything would just click into place. But the truth is, fulfillment doesn’t seem to work that way. It’s not a puzzle to be completed; it’s something that fluctuates. Some days, I feel content and full of purpose. Other days, I feel overwhelmed, like I am barely keeping up with my own expectations.
Aren’t we all just making it up as we go? Trying to look like we’re in control while still figuring it out in real time?
So, what do we do? How do we stop turning every piece of advice into a rule, every joy into a goalpost, every moment of rest into a failure of ambition? Maybe it starts with allowing ourselves to just exist. To accept that not every moment has to be productive or fulfilling. To let go of the idea that we need to be constantly optimizing ourselves.
Maybe it’s okay that I still drink my coffee first thing in the morning, even if some study tells me it’s not the best for my cortisol levels. Maybe it’s okay that I take a long nap after a meal instead of walking it off. Maybe it’s okay that I don’t always find joy in the places I’m supposed to. Maybe, just maybe, being present means letting go of the pressure to be present in the ‘right’ way.
I don’t have the answers. But I do know this: the life I have built is one I never could have imagined for myself ten years ago. And while it is a lot different and maybe a little messier than I thought, it is completely full of surprises every single day… in the best way.
