As the token person at every family function touting “go to therapy!” since 2017, the responses have changed a lot over the years. From blank stares or eye rolls, to questions on how to even find the right therapist, to a lot more feedback around bad therapist experiences. Few industries are as deeply personal as therapy and the process does not reflect that. Almost dating app-like, by scrolling on psychology today or within your health insurance’s portal to find the one. Glitchy and confusing, calling and emailing. Hopping on a  fifteen minute call where you think they sound nice, so that seems enough to start spilling your guts to this stranger.

If you live in California or even just the United States and you have tried to find a therapist recently, you know exactly what I am talking about. This is not a personal failing. This is a terrible system and it’s embarrassing in 2026, this is the best we’ve got.

The Problem With "Filter by Insurance and Location"

The big platforms were built around the most logistical version of the problem: who is near you and who will your insurance cover?  Those things matter. I am not dismissing them. But they are the floor, not the ceiling. They tell you who is available. And yes, Psychology Today tells you a little bit about what they specialize in, how they work. That is the start of the conversation, but we still have a ways to go. 

I’ve asked hundreds of people what makes their therapist so great, and the resounding answer is the relationship they have with their therapist. They can laugh with them. Their therapist can admit when they hurt their client’s feelings. It’s the small things that make people feel safe, or seen. My therapist let me know that she was thinking of me and wanted to correct some advice she’d given to me at our last session. It's that part that makes a world of difference.

Anecdotally this rings true but the research on this is pretty clear too. The therapeutic alliance, meaning the actual relationship between a client and their therapist, is one of the strongest predictors of whether therapy works. More than the specific modality. More than the number of years of experience. The relationship is the treatment.

What Separates the Good From the Great

I have thought about this a lot, partly because I have lived it, and partly because it is literally the reason I built The Match.

The things that made my time in therapy the most impactful were the following:

Communication style. Some therapists are more reflective and quiet, letting you arrive at things yourself. Others are more direct, will name the pattern they are seeing, will push back a little. Neither is wrong. But I always needed someone who held me accountable, who probed, but knew when to pause too.

Lived experience and background. There is a specific kind of relief that comes from not having to explain the full context. Whether that is being queer, being a first-generation kid, being a woman who was told to be smaller in some way she is still unlearning. You should not have to spend half your session giving a cultural briefing and justifying your experiences or feelings. 

Their actual approach to the work and flexibility. Not just the acronyms on their profile (CBT, DBT, EMDR). But how they actually show up. What their sessions feel like in practice. I have been in talk therapy for most of my sessions and one session my therapist suggested I try EMDR with her around a specific problem I was struggling with. That’s a keeper!

These are the things that determine whether therapy makes changes in your life or becomes another laborious task on the self-improvement train.

Why California Makes This Even More Complicated

California has more licensed therapists than almost anywhere else in the country. Which sounds like good news. And in some ways it is. But it also means the marketplace is enormous and noisy, and the gap between a therapist who is technically qualified and one who is actually right for you can be vast.

Add to that the cost. Out-of-pocket therapy in California can run anywhere from $150 to $300 a session or more. If you are paying that and the fit is not working, you feel it immediately. And if you are using insurance, the in-network options in a lot of California counties are thin, especially for people with specific needs.

The search is high-stakes and the tools have not caught up.

What I Wish Someone Had Told Me Earlier

If you even get into the room of a first therapy session, that’s more than most. I have tried a handful of therapists, one which stuck for years until I wanted to find a new therapist. So this process does not go away. Even with my current therapist, the first session left me feeling like… “did she ask me enough questions?” “she was kinda quiet or was she listening??” and the vulnerability hangover will be there whether you liked your therapist or not.  

What I wish I had known: the first question is not "who is available" or even "who takes my insurance." The first question is "who is actually right for me, based on how I communicate, what I have been through, and what I need from this time right now." Everything else is secondary.

That is why we built The Match at saymore. Not another directory. A matching process that does all the searching for you. That actually lets you tell us what you think you need and match you to a therapist that can meet you there. It is not magic. But it is a different starting point. And in my experience, the starting point matters more than almost anything else.

If you are in California and the search has felt impossible, you are not alone in that. And there’s people who care and want to help, including me and your future therapist. Check out The Match today.